Growing up in my community of family & friends of the family, there is an aura of disappointment & lack of success when one is no longer in school. At times I get where this aura is coming from, many in my community haven’t been to school & wish for their offspring to do better than they have done. However, school only serves a purpose for certain people at certain times in their life. Meaning, school isn’t for everyone & school isn’t only able to be fulfilled during the teenage to early twenty years of your life. Now, do I condone a mass drop out in school? No, however, I do condone finding what’s for you.
I’m currently not in school because at this moment my purpose isn’t school. May be hard for certain people to understand this, but I’m simply not in school because of that reason. Do I want to go back to school? Yes, I eventually want my PhD. but I only want it, & will get it, when it’s my time to.
I have 2 more classes left for my bachelor’s. So this news to my community of family & friends of the family is borderline devastating. Not my problem though. At the end of the day I know what I am doing is right, for my purpose. As long as I don’t stray I will be okay. I cannot speak for them. It is none of my business of how they mourn the decisions of my life. If that’s how they decide to live theirs, so be it. That’s their business. But me, I won’t let them steer me away from where I’m going.
& if you are going through something similar I encourage you to do the same.
the beauty of epiphanies is the point in which you now have gotten the full picture & have the choice to grow. choosing to grow is like choosing to breathe fresh air. not that breathing fresh air is easy bc it’s not. it smells & tastes different. it can cause you to cough, even burn your nose a bit. but after you get used to it, it feels better, feels healthier. that’s how the choice to grow feels, & that in itself, is so beautiful to me & i am beyond grateful & thankful
I believe I am currently in a lesson of patience, which is connected to mini lessons of obedience & discipline. In order for me to be patient I must have a disciplined mental state of faith. I also must be obedient & disciplined enough to focus & to do what I am supposed to be focused on when I am supposed to be doing it.
I feel stuck. I have been feeling stuck for some time now, however, this is the only year in which I actually have direction, the only year in which I have found my purpose & know how to act in it. The issue is, though, I am so disobedient that I am not acting in my purpose because I am focusing on where I am instead of where I am going. So you see, I am not actually stuck, I am, in fact, misplacing my focus which is causing me to be stagnant.
Focus & Faith & Obedience & Patience are so key. In my case, without them all working harmoniously together I am lost.
Let’s try this again
Some use their children or family as a reason as to why they didn’t go after their dreams so hard while others use them as a reason as to why they did go after their dreams so hard. I have neither my own children nor my own family. I am single. It’s just me. I feel like I have been blessed to be here alone, even though I would enjoy a significant other. It makes it easier for me to decide what’s already set in my heart. It makes it easier to go after my dreams night & day because it’s just me. The more I think about the hard work I will have to do & the focus I will be on the more I wonder if I should even be concerned with answering the call of seeking another for my heart. The closer I get to my dreams the further I want to push anyone who could fit into the romantic aspect of my life away from me despite how much my desire grows for another. I’m not even sure if this is the right thing for me to do to myself, but what makes me feel better for doing it is the fact that I’m not ready to be in a relationship. In fact, I’m terrified. I’m terrified of the relationship itself & I’m terrified for my dreams if a relationship happens. I don’t promote fear. I believe fear is an illusion, however knowing what you’re dealing with is only half the battle. One also has to know how to fight the enemy they’re dealing with & i have no idea, currently, how to fight this fear off. But, at least knowing is a step to growth.
About this Exodous Casting
"When I go slow, I go faster"
In other words, stop trying to figure out everything all at once. Deal w|what you possess (have) now when you have it. When you try to make decisions about your future w|current possessions that do not give you all of the info you need in order to make that decision the proper way, you create unnecessary stressors in your life. Release yourself of the stress that does not concern your current state. Focus on the now. Things will change & become clear enough for you to make the decisions when the time comes to make it. Do not rush this.
1. i don’t understand how, in the outspoken world we live in today, those who cast & filmed this movie chose to do so despite how historically incorrect their depictions are.
2. i don’t understand how it even got as far as the movies. it makes no sense that no one, or not as many, stood up to this movie. where is your conscious?
3. & the black people who are playing in the movie, i have two sided feelings towards them. one part of me is disappointed in them. how could you see the lies in this movie & still choose to play a roll. The other part is content w|them playing their roles bc they have, in part, helped the country, if they were blind to it before, now see how racism & the white washing of history is still taking place. like black people were never kings. some won’t let us see how great we were bc they are afraid of losing a power that was stolen.
4. i was outraged when i saw the previews. i will NOT be going to see that movie.
to me, if it helped me grow, then it wasn’t bad.
I’m smaller than I was 5 years ago. 5 years ago doesn’t seem like it was that far away, it seems like it was last year which is why it’s probably so hard for me to grasp my current size. I’ve always been small, now i’m even smaller. I dropped 4 pant sizes. I’ve been talking to my cousin about it & she told me maybe i’m losing weight bc i’m stressing about losing weight… the irony. Since then, I’ve decided to be okay with my size, to flaunt it, be healthy with it & continue to exercise & eat right.
5.18.14 Lesson 1
This is a photograph of me shot by BeezShotMe for a look book ( a catalog for the tee-shirt ). My cousin told me she didn’t like this photo bc my legs were open. This is one of my favorite photos of the look book & I can’t help but wonder why this pose is so controversial. When I squat down from exercising too much this is how I squat. When I’m tired of standing I make this pose. I’ve seen men sit in this stance numerous times & I have never heard anyone say that this pose is unnecessary to them. As a woman I find myself fixing myself before I take photographs to show “less” when I’m not even showing anything in the first place. It’s annoying. I wore a tube top & a skirt that came an inch below the top so my belly nor my belly button was showing and there was still an issue. Why is covering up the body so important? Why is the woman’s body so obscene? Why must all parts be covered? Why is showing my belly unacceptable?
I do too much for others. My time is spread out amongst seeing others. Doin with others. Doing for others. I’ll never progress if I never take time out for me.
Spring is such a beautiful season, my favorite season. Although I love summer because of the weather, spring is just more breathtaking. Spring is a rebirth. It’s when life blossoms and does so quickly. It’s when the breeze is fresh, appealing to the soul, busy, noisy, artistic. Spring is filled with beauty. A new chance to begin, a new chance to do, continue, go on. Spring is my constant reminder that life has many cycles and at any moment I can end a cycle and begin a new one. I can keep going. Spring, especially this spring, is the theme for this part of my life. I’m in such awe
- The Ankh,☥, is a hieroglyph which means life
- . FE (fe) is faith in Spanish
Life is so amazing when you have faith in where you are going and where you came from. I believe the key to living, not existing but living, is faith. Faith will get you through, hold you up, hold you down, get you out, and put you in. My new baby. My sixth. Pieces of me.